We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
