We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
