I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
