Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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