we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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