just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
