You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
