Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I could make wine with my vomit
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
