end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
They took my balls.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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