they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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