I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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