I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I love you.
Bad choice
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
