He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
