Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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