sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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