I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
