k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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