he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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