When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
