I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
