Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
