Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
