I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
