You can't motorboat a personality
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
