11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
