My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
