Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
