I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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