How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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