I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
