Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I can't turn off my feet"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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