I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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