i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
