Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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