Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Your cock deserves a montage
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
