Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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