when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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