Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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