you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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