I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
