Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
