My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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