I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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