3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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