i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
