he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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