She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
