We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
