I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
