i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
He had one of those small greek statue penises
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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