There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
