Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
