Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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