How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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